Do you put the GP label on everyday? (Those of you with gastroparesis…totally know what I’m talking about.)
You put the GP label on – and you wear it.
I’ve had gastroparesis my whole life. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the diagnosis until 2014. I can remember lying in bed as a scared 6 year old, my blond curls drenched in sweat, as I prayed and tried to make a deal with God.
“Lord, I promise to do all the dishes for the rest of the month and keep the kitchen sparkling clean….if you would just please, please NOT let me throw up tonight.”
And every night, I would haul my weak, sick little 1st grade body out of bed by myself, vomit as quietly as possible, (trying not to wake up my parents).
Then as I tiptoed slowly back to bed, my dad would softly call out, “you ok Bunky?”
To which I would whisper back, “I think so.”
Before you get diagnosed, it seems as if you are on this non-stop “quest” to uncover why you are feeling all these crazy symptoms. Often you can drive yourself and those around you crazy as you journey further down the rabbit hole of gastroparesis.
I know I felt like I was losing my mind. I seriously thought I was cracking up.
How could I be this sick? This is serious sick. This is “don’t play around” – get this fixed NOW, because this could be “the thing” that takes you out of this world…kinda sick. I know many of you understand where I’m coming from.
No question, we all could describe aspects of GP as that dark, hot, sick, confusing, uncontrollable, scary place that lives within us, and may at times take over our lives completely.
Let’s ask some important questions….
How do we live with this?
How do we enjoy our relationships?
How do we progress our life?
How do we find ourselves again, in this new normal?
How do we identify with our environments and our friends?
How do we learn from this and allow our “GP experience” to teach us what we need to know about our bodies and our attitudes towards life?
How does your current life situation, gastroparesis included, help you discover the impact you are supposed to make on the world?
These are profound questions that would probably take alcohol and pharmaceuticals in order to endure getting to the “real answers” (both of which are not on my approved foods list.) …can you hear the violins playing?
Now that I have thrown all those BIG questions out there, here’s what I would like you to consider:
Once you finally receive your diagnosis, ahem…. It’s official…“you have gastroparesis”.
There’s typically a “AND” in that sentence, because rarely do we only and solely have gastroparesis. These diseases and motility issues seem to run in packs. GP with a side of diabetes. Or GP with a side of TMJ. Or GP with a side of GIRD. And oh by the way, gastroparesis always comes with a nice side of depression AND anxiety…that is just a given. I could go on and on.
However, now that you finally start to get some accurate diagnosis(s), and you begin to figure out how to live “your new normal” within the rules that this disease creates for you…then what?
In the beginning it’s all new. You finally have a diagnosis!! Yay!! You’re not crazy!! But fast forward a few years…you’re still trudging along, dealing with this disease, and before you know it… you are wearing a “GP Label” on your psyche.
I don’t know about you, but so many times I’ll have thoughts running through my head like, “I’m so sick right now.” OR, “I can’t go with you, I feel horrible right now”, or “Man I’m Sick,” or “I’m going to eat my “4 bite lunch” around noon, and then I’ll be sick as a dog for a few hours, so if you come over around 4:30pm I should be able to hold my head up.”
…Or, “I know I shouldn’t eat the last bite, but it was so good…screw it. I’ll just deal with being sick.”
OR, “how long until we get there, (45 minutes). Oh dear God, I will never make it for 45 minutes in this car. Don’t panic, don’t panic….just breath Wip. If you have to hang your skinny little bum out on the side of the road, so your 4 bites of soup can rejoin the rest of the world…then you just pull yourself over and take care of business. (Because having a poo accident in the front seat of the car…is NOT an option. I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone. Grown ass women should never even consider having to “hang tail” on the side of the road because of some stupid disease.)
Let’s just say, this disease spares no level of embarrassment.
Now obviously, we all think some crazy thoughts…but IF the underlying thought stream we are running in our brain is “I’m sick”. I have to point out…this kind of “I’m sick” thinking will [over time] have a massive effect on your attitude and overall ability to live a functioning life.
I don’t mean to over simplify. If you have GP, at some point you will typically have MASSIVE SICK moments, flare-ups, and yucky health phases.
However, when “I’M SICK”, is the dominant thought process that runs through our brain all day long, then according to Earn Nightingale’s famous quote “You become what you think about.” We could find ourselves feeling sick ALL the TIME.
I don’t know about you, but every moment that I feel even “decent” is a cherished moment.
I want as many “feel good” moments as I can stack up in a day.
Yet, if the dominant thought stream running through my head is “I’m sick”, Then my poor little inner cheerleader, the part of my psyche that I rely on for positivity, can’t possible deal with all those negative feelings.
You know what it’s like when you have a song stuck in your head? Often it’s just a chorus, or maybe even one line. It loops and loops and loops…drives you nuts after awhile, right? Well, what if that song just had a couple words that played over and over again, “I’M SICK”. I’m so so sick right now. I’m just so sick. Boy am I sick.
I encourage you to think about “what you’re thinking about”. If the underlying mode your brain and body is running in – is constantly feeding you with an “I’m sick” message – do everything in your power to change your focus. Just redirect those I’m sick thoughts to something positive.
Absolutely anything positive.
Your pets.
Your kids.
The first time you fell in love.
A moment in high school that you never forgot.
The smell of hot towels when they come out of the dryer.
Anything you can think of that will put your brain into a positive state instead of an “I’m sick state”.
Start slow and see if you can become aware of how often the “I’m sick” button gets pushed in your psyche.
Trust me, when you’re on your hands and knees vomiting up 7-up and saltines, the only thing running through your head is “I’M SO FREAKING SICK”…and I get it.
But it’s in those moments, in particular, where you have to get some control over your brain and force it to play a different song.
I may be barfing in a very unsexy way, at this exact moment, but I know that this clammy, shaking feeling will eventually ease a bit. Instead of kneeling here gripping the edges of the toilet thinking about how sick I am, why not think about…
The camping trips I used to take as a kid. Can I transport my brain to a happier place while my body goes through these horrible things? Can I feel the sun on my face and hear the water lapping against the bottom of our little aluminum fishing boat? While wave after wave of sickness flows through my body – can I free my mind?
Be consciously aware of the thoughts running through your head, and when your inner GP voice is telling you over and over how sick you are…take charge and sweep that little voice out on it’s ass. You choose the thoughts you want to think. Period.
Now get busy thinking!
As for me, I have to get back to the memory of campfires, and sunsets sparkling off the ripples of the lake…
Here’s to really chewing our food!
Remember, it’s not what you do next week that matters. It’s what you do in the next hour that can change your life.
–WipGirl