Can I think my way out of gastroparesis? Hmmm, let me think about that.
As the waves of nausea rippled through my body…I realized I had gotten a bit cocky.
Uh-huh…you heard me. I got cocky.
*Health Note – if you are having a severe gastroparesis flare up – call your doctor immediately and take action.
I was born with this disease, although I didn’t actually get a diagnosis until a few years ago, I consider myself a fantastic gastroparesis success story, but we all have our moments.
After keeping this disease at “a level” I could manage for the last few years, I had not had a flare up in a seriously long time. Oh, how easy it is to forget the viciousness of GP.
I had been pushing myself. Burning the candle at both ends as some like to say. I’m a gut-it-out-sorta-girl, and when I’m in the middle of a big project, I do whatever is necessary. As is typical, I started to see a few symptoms…and I just put them out of my mind. You know when the thought comes slamming into your mind “SLOW DOWN girl. Get some rest. You have some weird symptoms popping up. Pay attention!”
Did I pay attention? Ummm. Sort of.
I remember calling my mom and telling her how, although I was really going hard each day, my body seemed to be holding up. Although my normal schedule had been temporarily thrown out the window, I was doing it! I was handling the stress and my body was cooperating.
I hung up the phone with mom, and felt and tiny thought tendril of fear slink down my spine. I beat it back with my mind. “I am doing just fine. I don’t need to be concerned. I’ll slow down a bit. Tomorrow I’ll focus on me.”
I made this promise to myself as these thoughts hovered in my mind. I turned the light off, flipped my cell phone onto silent mode, and confidently drifted off to sleep.
A couple hours later, in a sleepy haze, I knew something was terribly wrong.
For the last few moments, as I tossed and turned, I couldn’t escape from the heavy sickness and pain permeating my body. As I was coming out of my sleepiness I was trying to ascertain…was I dreaming this? Oh God, please let me be dreaming all this nonsense.
You see….I genuinely believed I was past all this. I had been sticking my head in the proverbial sand and neglecting my body horribly for the past 2 weeks. And I was justifying it by saying out loud to myself and my family, “my body was doing great, and GP was not a huge dictator in my life anymore”. I choose to avoid my symptoms with these thoughts.
My mind couldn’t even imagine getting to this place again. Pain tore through my abdomen, my heart was beating out of my chest, actually my whole body felt like one racing heartbeat, and a film of sweat had covered my entire body. I immediately put my feet on the floor knowing I had to get to the kitchen for a big bowl. I’d been here 100’s of times before…my symptoms were beginning to spiral out of control and I had to maintain some form of calm.
As the moments crawled by, 2am turned into 4 am, I was trying to focus on my breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out. Be gentle, don’t breathe crazy. Just breathe slowly and steadily.
Vomiting every few mins for hours will seriously mess a girl up. Convulsions had set in from dehydration. I hate convulsions. They completely incapacitate a person. As I lay on my bed flopping around like a fish just ripped out of the water, my mind is gauging my timing…
…another massive wave of radical nausea is coming any second. I’m not a huge fan of vomiting in bowls on my bed. It makes me uncomfortable – I don’t want to get anything icky on my sheets. Get up Jennifer you have to move!
I throw back the sticky wet covers drenched in my sweat…I attempt to make my legs work as I create the motion for a few short steps to the bathroom. The giant plastic blue bowl from the Dollar Store does a spectacular job of catching the uncontrollable vomit. What a freaking hot mess I am!
It’s funny, sometimes in the crazy of a sick moment, I feel like I can think my way out of these situations.
I believe I can find something to focus on that will take my attention away from the chaos happening and diminish it a bit. I am a self-proclaimed Queen of Compartmentalizing – and doing it in extreme moments is an art. I’m laughing as I type this, because….the reality of my situation was…there’s no thinking my way out of this kind of nasty.
I believe, at times, I can think my way out of GP. Am I completely n-u-t-s?
This disease has teeth like a lion and it will bite you right in the buns if you don’t look after yourself. If you get too stressed, don’t get enough sleep, overeat and/or under eat, deal with an uptick in depression and/or anxiety, these are just a few examples, but they can all bring on a flare up. Eating a food that you have a sensitivity too…oh yea, that will kick up symptoms like nobody’s business. You see, there are tons of things that can bring on pain and sickness.
Can I think my way out of GP? Hmmm, let me think about that?
Let’s dive into this.
When it comes to gastroparesis, it’s a thinking AND a feeling game.
If you wake up in the morning thinking you’re going to feel sick (mornings are notorious for bringing on symptoms), then you have just increased your chances of feeling sick. You see, how you feel in the morning starts with your thoughts the night before. If you expect to be sick…you increase your chance of experiencing it. Bringing the memory of GP into tomorrow, simply alerts the symptoms to kick up again.
Ahem, so back to this dumb flare up I experienced.
The previously sick Jennifer from years ago, would have been in the back of an ambulance by the time things escalated to convulsions. (I’m not being an idiot here, if things really took a turn for the worse, I had my cell phone in my hand ready to get the paramedics to my house. In addition, my son is a paramedic and just a couple minutes away. So I wasn’t being negligent, but I also wasn’t about to spend a-bunch-of-moolah on an ambulance ride to the hospital. Hospitals don’t really know how to handle GP flare-ups and with COVID still raging…I’m not up for some very expensive IV fluids and anti-nausea drugs.)
I had thrown up so much, my body was in a simple loop-of-puke. Mmmm hmmmm. You read that correctly, I was in a Loop-Of-Puke. Followed by dry heaves. Followed by convulsions. Do you have any experience with the loop-of-puke? Puke-Heave-Convulse. Puke-Heave-Convulse. It’s a doozy at times.
In between vomiting sessions I would slide my flopping fish exterior into a shallow yet super hot bath – while drenching my face with an ice cold wash cloth. Then, in moments when the shaking would slightly diminish in the tub, I would slowly rotate back to my bed. Moments later, back up again with the bowl held to my face as I start to dry heave, I get myself back to the bathroom.
In a moment, fearing I couldn’t walk anymore, I grabbed the bath towels from the towel bar in the bathroom and curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. I didn’t really need my bed…this cold floor will do just fine in a pinch.
Ahhhh. The. Bathroom. Floor.
I have been in this prone position, on a cold bathroom floor, more times than I can count. It just hasn’t happened in a while. And I’m fighting the need to emotionally kick my own butt for feeling scared and vulnerable.
FEAR is real when it comes to gastroparesis, but letting it rule your flare up is a mistake.
Being kind to yourself is key.
It’s hard to be kind to yourself and kick your own butt at the same time. So you need to pick a side. I highly suggest getting on your own team. Especially in the middle of a flare up.
By this time, you must be wondering how it all worked out? Did I end up at the hospital eventually? Did the hospital cause more harm than good, or did they bring me some relief? Did I finally get off the bathroom floor?
Answer…
No. I did not go to the hospital.
Yes. I got better.
I didn’t recover overnight. Matter-a-fact, I’m still recovering a bit and feel rather humble from the flare up. BUT, even though I felt like I was on the dramatic ragged edge of survival (ahem, again), I made it through with flying colors. Granted, those colors may be flying in the form of my own personal Freak Flag…but who cares. 🙂
When you can’t keep super tiny sips of water down, taking any meds to make things better is difficult. Because I hadn’t had a flare up in years, I was out of everything…anti-nausea meds, anti-anxiety meds, any kind of suppository with anti nausea meds was a distant dream. These days, I just take vitamins and supplements, and I was caught totally unprepared.
Making it through this little episode after such a long run of health, holds a sense of accomplishment for me.
At some point I got a Benadryl down and it stayed for a few mins. Long enough for it to dissolve a bit and start working in my system. Laying on my bed, I realized it had been 20 minutes and I hadn’t vomited. #Progress
Little by little my body stopped shaking. God Bless You Benadryl. The vomiting began to ease a smidge, and I felt my hands and jaws unclench ever so slightly.
While lying down and praying the Benadryl would continue working its magic, I settled into a deep meditation. I started my awareness at the top of my head and slowly, mentally worked my way down my entire body, allowing my organs and tissue to relax one area at a time. Slowly I could feel my rigid little body start to release the tension. The tightness loosened in my gut, a teeny bit, and I knew I was on my way to recovering.
It always feels like such an accomplishment to overcome an extreme gastroparesis flare up. I keep reminding myself this is not an indictment on my character. Even though I typically feel terribly vulnerable during a flare up. This vulnerability is always a moment of growth. These moments bring me clarity and ultimately gratitude for the ability to recover.
Within a few days, my energy started returning, and I was on my way. A little wiser. A little more humble. And full of gratitude.
This disease does not have to define our life.
It’s not what you do next week that matters. It’s what you do in the next hour that can change your life.
Jennifer Jacobs
*If you or someone you know is dealing with a severe gastroparesis flare up, call the doctor and take action.